Category Archives: Spoons

OVERHEARD CONVERSATIONS – THE ONE WITH THE RANTING BLACK MAN

WARNING – contains swears.

[BM = Black Man]

BM has an odd twitch when stressed, where he makes a clicking noise before answering. Do this occasionally on lines of your choice, but particularly where he says ‘bullshit’.

‘…’ represents a pause

BM is in his late 40s, bald, with glasses and an East London accent.

[On a train from Euston to Milton Keynes, cue train noises. BM is on the phone to his brother, trying to arrange a funeral]

BM:

Well it’s no use phonin’ me, ‘cause most of the time when I’m phonin’ you the phone’s engaged, or there’s no answer…

That’s rubbish you’ve never phoned…

You’ve never phoned…

You’ve never phoned…

[redials]

[coughs]

Yeah, I haven’t got time to be phoning people you should. If you haven’t got the time, to take…

Well you should phone if you wanted to know what was going on…

Yeah…

Well, what’s the plan? I dunno…

Just, uh…

What do you mean you see what I’m sayin’?

That’s bullshit…

You’re talking bullshit, I do know, I do know…

What do you mean I’m not tellin’ you?

I’m tellin’ you, I’m tellin’ you,

Yeah, ring Roxanne, Dolly…

[A train passes in the opposite direction]

Yeah I know man I know

Nahh man, you don’t know nothin’

What, you got your phone? You got your phone? Have a look on your phone, and see how many missed calls from me are on your phone…

Right? Right? And see how many missed calls from me…

[voice raising] Yeah, course I have! Of course I’ve ain’t told you

Cause you’re supposed to phone me! Why should I phone you?

Yeah…

And you’re supposed to phone to find out what’s goin’, you’re supposed to phone to find out what’s happenin’…

Ronnie does…

Ronnie’s phoned…

Automated female announcer: WE ARE NOW APPROACHING, BLETCHLEY. PLEASE TAKE CARE WHEN STEPPING FROM THE TRAIN, ONTO THE PLATFORM.

BM: Nahh man that’s bullshit, that’s BULLSHIT man.

[hangs up]

[looks disgustingly at two females talking loudly]

[dials a different number]

Yeah, tell that worthless RATARSE he needs to go down the undertaker to see the order of service. He can’t just turn up and be like ‘excuse me, can I have a chat for five minutes?’ you have to book, he can’t just fit you in…

What good is that man?

And then he’s here complainin’ complainin’ complainin’

I tried to phone, I phoned Roxanne, Patrick, you…

He’s talkin’ bullshit man…

Of course I’m blankin’ him man cause he ain’t contactin’ nobody it’s always voicemail engaged or no answer at all…

What am I supposed to do? Got things to do, can’t waste my time phonin’ phonin’ phonin’…

Alright, just tell him he needs to see the undertaker BEFORE FRIDAY yeah?

Cool, cool, yeah, cool, alright.

[puts down phone, gets off train]

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Now with Spoons!

We just launched a new page, called Spoons. Really, it’s just a place that Joe & I (and perhaps others, in the future) can put small things that we’ve made that don’t need a whole page to themselves. Why it’s called that, I don’t know, but we hope that you enjoy it as we irregularly update it with various oddities. At this stage, there’s just the one on there; a card game I invented called Harvest, so take a look at that. Thanks!